Two weeks ago, I carried out my duty as maid of honour at my best friend’s wedding. We were a large wedding party: four bridesmaids and groomsmen in addition to myself and the best man. I had imagined that the formality of a wedding would move the groomsmen to step into the role of gentleman toward their female partners much as they stepped solemnly down the aisle of the decorated church. I had pictured them extending a chivalrous hand to the bridesmaids to help them into and out of the limousine. Yet, as I made my way to the limousine, bag full of emergency supplies in one hand and bouquet in the other, I was shocked and disappointed to witness not one groomsman offer to help me by taking my bag or by holding the train of my dress as I navigated the narrow step into the vehicle. Instead, they just sat and watched as I struggled to board the limousine without incident.
Matters took a turn for the worse when the limousine’s engine overheated minutes away from our destination, smoke escaping the limousine in clouds from one end and liquid leaking puddles from the other. Here was a crisis in which to prove their gentlemanhood, and what did the groomsmen do if not seize the opportunity to flee the limousine first, leaving the women toiling in the rear, dragging our dresses through the puddles as we went. I think back to the driver of the bridal car, an older man who helped the bride and her bridal party into the car with the utmost courtesy before driving us to the church, and wonder where the young men of my generation have gone wrong.
A colleague asked me whether the groomsmen’s failure to act the gentleman was due to parents no longer teaching their sons how to behave like one. I think the problem lies beyond changing parenting practices. As a society, we have taught young men that they are no longer responsible for women. They are neither expected to be the provider, nor the protector toward women. When you strip young men of meaningful roles in relationship to women, you get egoistic children in return. Women are partly to blame for this. These days, we bestow our sexual favour on men without expecting anything from them in return. It would take a young man of exceptional character not to shirk responsibility under these circumstances.
Paradoxically, we treat young men as responsible for victimizing women, even when they’ve done nothing of the kind. A consensual sexual encounter between a man and a woman which the woman later regrets is now rape, and the man the worst sort of villain. One might expect young men to avoid interactions with unfamiliar women all together, lest they be labelled oppressors. Unfortunately, this means that opportunities to demonstrate responsibility for women in a positive way are missed. In the dance of avoidance, women find themselves left without a partner.
My experience with the groomsmen at my best friend’s wedding is a signal that we need to hold young men to a higher standard. We need to help them rediscover the meaning that is found in being responsible for women. If we succeed in this, I predict that the gentleman will make a comeback. Just don’t expect him to help you into a limousine.